Apologies for the horrendous use of colons in that headline, in penance this week we present our mind-shattering remake of 2001: A Space Odyssey…

Tom: we’ll do 2001 next 😛

John: i’m not sure i like you any more

Tom: first thing we do….remove all ambiguity

audiences dont like to think

John: so it’ll be the first film released with the director’s commentary as part of the overall sound mix

Tom: doubtful

the film needs a lot more work than that

where are the A-list actors?

where is the CGI?

HAL is fine, but he needs an evil face

John: you’re pushing me tom, you’re testing our bond

Tom: also what the fuck is a Space Odyssey? no one knows. We’ll call it 2001: A Space Adventure

well it’ll have to be 3001 since 2001 is a little dated

3001: A Space Adventure!

John: but then some people might assume it’s based on the book 3001: A Final Odyssey

Tom: with the exclaimation mark as mark as part of the title

like anyone reads these days

John: people will have to read our script though

or is this pure improv?

as long as i can retain the rights to the lunchbox merchandise on this project then you can do what you like

Tom: with actors like Paul Walker, David Arquette and Chris Klein in the lead, who needs a script?

John: investors?

Tom: AND despite it being a little weird, we’re keeping the big baby at the end

played by Billy Zane

the investors will be on board because of the big monkey battle at the start

John: this is starting to sound like planet of the apes

planet of the apes: in space

Tom: funny you should say that. we’ll just use longshots from the tim burton film for that

no one saw it and it’ll save money

John: and then the apes battle the fierce HAL for control of the universe?

Tom: the monkeys will have to speak too

Brian Blessed is the head gorilla

John: monkeys + robots = cashprofitmoney?

Tom: i won you back with that one

John: you always win me back with monkeys

if it works on hard-nosed film investors then it’ll definitely work on a sap like me

i want to get Calvin Harris to do the soundtrack

Tom: every 10 minutes there needs to be an action beat

open with the monkey battle

the last monkey standing throws the bone up in the air

people expecting it to cut to a spaceship

WRONG

it cuts to a freaking laser rifle

huge laser rifle battle

then main character wakes up

it was just a dream

which proves our movie is so badass, people dream action set pieces

John: or maybe our main character is secretly a laser rifle-toting ape in a past life

Tom: you seem desperate to tie the apes from the start of the movie with the rest of it

John: but where’s the link?

audiences don’t like ambiguity, you said it yourself

Tom: i dont know

they just saw an epic monkey battle

they’re satisfied

but fine…we can make HAL the disembodied brain of the last surviving ape after that battle

all the other apes are dead

turns out this surviving ape was behind every one significant event on earth

he shot Kennedy

erm. invented velcro

everything

and then becomes a mass computer brain

John: i think you’ve gone mad with power

you need to calm down

Tom: hey i was happy to leave the ape battle seperate. this is the only logical way how we can tie it into the rest of the movie

John: ok fine

can we also have a bad CGI John Colicos saying to the camera at the end “deep down we’re all a bunch of monkeys”

Tom: wow thats a sucker punch

John: roll credits

not a dry eye in the house

everyone is giving us money

Tom: dont know what to do about those monoliths

they seem irrelevant to the story so maybe remove them

no one will miss them

John: or make them into massive orbital cannons

HAL invented them

Tom: well thats works too

also HAL can have two robotic henchman, called Stanley and Kubrick, for a nice in-joke

John: won’t that involve a level of intelligence on the part of the viewer? i’m deeply troubled by a movie that starts out simply to entertain the audience with a massive monkey laser fight only to have a somewhat subtle in-joke later on

Tom: well you have to please the original fans too

John: i don’t think any of this will even remotely please the original fans

i feel that we may have to go into hiding

Tom: as a comprimise, we’ll still call it 2001: A Space Odyssey

so they know what we’re trying to do

John: that’s somehow worse

but i like it

can we have a scene of someone being put into a rubbish bin and thrown down a hill?

this is the only thing i feel the film is missing

what’s a space odyssey without a man in a bin

Tom: the bad guy will have to do that ‘Taking out the trash…the SPACE trash’

John: bin rolls slowly down the hill and exploooodes

cue Calvin Harris

Chris Klein rolls in on a trained ape

defeats HAL somehow

Arquette and the other guy help a little

someone is singing

it’s HAL

HAL is singing to Chris Klein

it’s beautiful

Klein weeps and turns on Arquette and the other guy

Calvin Harris gets louder and appears on screen

Harris disappears

HAL and Klein destroy everything

cue Colicos

credits

i want my money now please

Tom: i have a huge problem with this

John: why

its perfect

drama, intrigue, sexiness

Klein riding a monkey

Tom: when i see the poster for ‘2001: A Space Odyssey- A visionary reimagining of a Stanley Kubrick movie’

i dont want to be looking at just apes and Chris Klein. that’s a bit homoerotic

i want to be looking at MEGAN FOX

and some other talented actresses

wearing skimpy space suits

John: let’s get Elisha Cuthbert in then

happy?

i want my bin scene though

Tom: fine

it can be a real bin too. a nod to the lack of CGI used in the original

that’s two winks

John: i feel you’re playing a risky game here

Tom: we need a video game too. for the monkey battle, it can use the LOTR: Conquest engine

John: i’m off the project, you lost me at that one

going to call time on this one, here’s your last chance. what’s the tagline on the poster going to be?

Tom:  erm

‘a remake of a film that time (and space) forgot’

John:  good luck with this