This week we try out for a direct continuation of the highly potent Mrs Doubtfire franchise. We present to you our valiant attempt at developing a darker new chapter in everyone’s favourite quasi-Scottish nanny’s life…
Tom: yeah sure
lets do it
Mrs Doubtfire 2?
John: alan moore style
behind the mask
so it’s definitely a direct continuation, right? same cast?
Tom: oh absolutely
it’s set maybe 5 years later
the kids can be recast
and everything seems normal. Robin Williams is still doing the Mrs Doubtfire show
then one night he comes home to his wife and they’re in bed together. and he starts talking dirty in Mrs Doubtfire’s voice.
they both think it’s hilarious that he’s using an old woman’s voice while in bed. and laugh it off. but then robin williams goes to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees Mrs Doubtfire in the reflection
cue titles: Mrs Doubtfire 2: Burning Desire
John: because of the flaming fake breasts?
does that play a role in the next film?
Tom: that’s interesting. maybe in a freak accident on set, the breasts melt and get stuck to him
anyway. so basically robin williams has to deal with the fact that he can no longer control Mrs Doubtfire
also i seem to recall in the first that Mrs Doubtfire is always pining over her dead husband. i forget his name. We’ll call him Norman for the time being
Tom: and Mrs Doubtfire wants Norman back, so she’s on the hunt for a replacement Norman
that kindly old bus driver in the first film gets assaulted
John: ah maybe it could be a case of lost time
like robin williams wakes up and doesn’t remember the last few hours
sort of like a transvestite version of Memento
Tom: yeah, but he looks down and he’s wearing frilly knickers
John: that’s right
as Doubtfire he’s trying to fill the void left by norman
Tom: it also becomes a bit like The Fly. because it gets to the point where he’s physically turning into an old lady
he also needs Sally Field out of the picture as she’s not old enough for him
John: so Brundlefire is gradually morphing over the course of the second act, we’ve set up the schism between him and sally field in the first act, where do we go from there?
Tom: we need a hero
someone to save robin williams
John: the gay couple from the start of the first film?
Tom: oh no. they’re brainwashed by Brundlefire to try and use their make-up skills to make Sally Field look like poor deceased Norman
John: ah yes, of course
shouldn’t take that much work though
of course once she looks like Norman, Brundlefire will have to kill her, as Norman is dead. he/she needs to make things perfect
you know i hope the transvestite community isnt appalled by this film.
John: i think a lot of people are going to be appalled by this film. i’m also not sure how i feel about brainwashing the gay couple
there are so many nasty layers to this film
Tom: it’s a nasty film
John: we’ve still not got a hero though
Tom: the cover of the film though will look like the cover of Mrs Doubtfire 1
the trailer too, will be cut to look like a romantic comedy
John: so we’re really going for a suckerpunch of a movie
i like this
Tom: viral marketing too. Robin Williams dressed up as Mrs Doubtfire will respond to random ads in actual newspapers looking for a nanny
John: i think i’d be pretty terrified if williams turned up at my house responding to an ad
John: can pierce brosnan save him?
Tom: oh god i forgot about pierce
he’s the decoy hero though
John: so he dies?
Tom: like scatman crothers in The Shining
yeah. he comes to save the day, then Brundlefire shoves a pepper down his throat and his allergies kill him
John: can we have pierce get a call from williams right at the very start of the movie? so we keep cutting back to brosnan making his way across the globe
only to be peppered in the final reel
Tom: yeah of course
but we still need a hero
what other characters are there in the first one?
John: just looking through imdb, nothing is jumping out
we might need a new character
shouldn’t be too much of a stretch as we have all the important principle cast intact
John: joseph gordon levitt?
Tom: he’s a bit too good for this
John: paul walker
he’s going to be our muse
Tom: ok how about this
paul walker was raised by his grandma who died
and mrs doubtfire comes along and acts as a grandma figure
paul walker has no idea that it’s actually robin williams in disguise
he feels close with Doubtfire, not knowing what he/she is becoming
turns out that Paul Walker’s grandpa was the bus driver who mrs doubtfire murdered
and paul walker remembers his grandpa talking about an old lady with hair legs
and sees doubtfire shaving them and puts two and two together
John: this is such a tragic story
Tom: well with the help of paul walker, robin williams eventually destroys his alter ego
John: so does paul walker then ingratiate himself into the family?
Tom: if only it was that simple
this is where things get meta
robin williams weakened by mrs doubtfire isnt prepared for what happens next
John: now i’m terrified…
Tom: ALL of Robin Williams other alter egos staart to randomly surface as if he is malfunctioning
so Jack, Patch Adams, Bicentential Man, Jakob The Liar, Peter Pan etc…they all start surfacing randomly
like when the T-1000 at the end of Terminator 2 is malfunctioning
robin williams can no longer control his personality
John: ok i’m definitely in on this project
but don’t forget popeye
it’s kinda like a video game boss battle
with each personality, Paul Walker must find its weakness
John: i think we’ve got this wrapped up, what do you think? i’m confident about this one
Apologies for the horrendous use of colons in that headline, in penance this week we present our mind-shattering remake of 2001: A Space Odyssey…
Tom: we’ll do 2001 next 😛
John: i’m not sure i like you any more
Tom: first thing we do….remove all ambiguity
audiences dont like to think
John: so it’ll be the first film released with the director’s commentary as part of the overall sound mix
the film needs a lot more work than that
where are the A-list actors?
where is the CGI?
HAL is fine, but he needs an evil face
John: you’re pushing me tom, you’re testing our bond
Tom: also what the fuck is a Space Odyssey? no one knows. We’ll call it 2001: A Space Adventure
well it’ll have to be 3001 since 2001 is a little dated
3001: A Space Adventure!
John: but then some people might assume it’s based on the book 3001: A Final Odyssey
Tom: with the exclaimation mark as mark as part of the title
like anyone reads these days
John: people will have to read our script though
or is this pure improv?
as long as i can retain the rights to the lunchbox merchandise on this project then you can do what you like
Tom: with actors like Paul Walker, David Arquette and Chris Klein in the lead, who needs a script?
Tom: AND despite it being a little weird, we’re keeping the big baby at the end
played by Billy Zane
the investors will be on board because of the big monkey battle at the start
John: this is starting to sound like planet of the apes
planet of the apes: in space
Tom: funny you should say that. we’ll just use longshots from the tim burton film for that
no one saw it and it’ll save money
John: and then the apes battle the fierce HAL for control of the universe?
Tom: the monkeys will have to speak too
Brian Blessed is the head gorilla
John: monkeys + robots = cashprofitmoney?
Tom: i won you back with that one
John: you always win me back with monkeys
if it works on hard-nosed film investors then it’ll definitely work on a sap like me
i want to get Calvin Harris to do the soundtrack
Tom: every 10 minutes there needs to be an action beat
open with the monkey battle
the last monkey standing throws the bone up in the air
people expecting it to cut to a spaceship
it cuts to a freaking laser rifle
huge laser rifle battle
then main character wakes up
it was just a dream
which proves our movie is so badass, people dream action set pieces
John: or maybe our main character is secretly a laser rifle-toting ape in a past life
Tom: you seem desperate to tie the apes from the start of the movie with the rest of it
John: but where’s the link?
audiences don’t like ambiguity, you said it yourself
Tom: i dont know
they just saw an epic monkey battle
but fine…we can make HAL the disembodied brain of the last surviving ape after that battle
all the other apes are dead
turns out this surviving ape was behind every one significant event on earth
he shot Kennedy
erm. invented velcro
and then becomes a mass computer brain
John: i think you’ve gone mad with power
you need to calm down
Tom: hey i was happy to leave the ape battle seperate. this is the only logical way how we can tie it into the rest of the movie
John: ok fine
can we also have a bad CGI John Colicos saying to the camera at the end “deep down we’re all a bunch of monkeys”
Tom: wow thats a sucker punch
John: roll credits
not a dry eye in the house
everyone is giving us money
Tom: dont know what to do about those monoliths
they seem irrelevant to the story so maybe remove them
no one will miss them
John: or make them into massive orbital cannons
HAL invented them
Tom: well thats works too
also HAL can have two robotic henchman, called Stanley and Kubrick, for a nice in-joke
John: won’t that involve a level of intelligence on the part of the viewer? i’m deeply troubled by a movie that starts out simply to entertain the audience with a massive monkey laser fight only to have a somewhat subtle in-joke later on
Tom: well you have to please the original fans too
John: i don’t think any of this will even remotely please the original fans
i feel that we may have to go into hiding
Tom: as a comprimise, we’ll still call it 2001: A Space Odyssey
so they know what we’re trying to do
John: that’s somehow worse
but i like it
can we have a scene of someone being put into a rubbish bin and thrown down a hill?
this is the only thing i feel the film is missing
what’s a space odyssey without a man in a bin
Tom: the bad guy will have to do that ‘Taking out the trash…the SPACE trash’
John: bin rolls slowly down the hill and exploooodes
cue Calvin Harris
Chris Klein rolls in on a trained ape
defeats HAL somehow
Arquette and the other guy help a little
someone is singing
HAL is singing to Chris Klein
Klein weeps and turns on Arquette and the other guy
Calvin Harris gets louder and appears on screen
HAL and Klein destroy everything
i want my money now please
Tom: i have a huge problem with this
drama, intrigue, sexiness
Klein riding a monkey
Tom: when i see the poster for ‘2001: A Space Odyssey- A visionary reimagining of a Stanley Kubrick movie’
i dont want to be looking at just apes and Chris Klein. that’s a bit homoerotic
i want to be looking at MEGAN FOX
and some other talented actresses
wearing skimpy space suits
John: let’s get Elisha Cuthbert in then
i want my bin scene though
it can be a real bin too. a nod to the lack of CGI used in the original
that’s two winks
John: i feel you’re playing a risky game here
Tom: we need a video game too. for the monkey battle, it can use the LOTR: Conquest engine
John: i’m off the project, you lost me at that one
going to call time on this one, here’s your last chance. what’s the tagline on the poster going to be?
‘a remake of a film that time (and space) forgot’
John: good luck with this
Um. Yeah. So, apparently Paul Walker + Vin Diesel + Jordana Brewster + Michelle Rodriguez = box-office gold. Fast & Furious, the unlikely four instalment of the diminishing series, racked up a quite ridiculous $72m over its opening weekend. That’s more than Monsters vs Aliens, more than Watchmen. Cinematical notes further this is higher than the entire domestic gross of the third film, Tokyo Drift, by $10m. It is, indeed, the biggest opening weekend achieved since The Dark Knight.
Monsters vs Aliens dropped by 44 per cent in its second weekend with $33.5m, taking its cumulative gross in ten days to over $100m. It will be interesting to see how well Fast & Furious does on its second weekend.
The Haunting in Connecticut held on to third with $9.6m followed by Knowing and I Love You, Man. Adventureland failed to capitalise on any box-office capital held by Greg Mottola, and strong reviews, making only $6m over its opening weekend.